The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
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I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.