I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
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brian had himself a morning…
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these