Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of daplusk's best tweets

@daplusk : Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

@daplusk: The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're named Ralph

@daplusk: Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says 'yeah' in the background of hip hop songs

@daplusk: Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.

@daplusk: I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three year old toddler over my shoulder

@daplusk: My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It's true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i'm 80

@daplusk: I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet

@daplusk: Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they're gaming online

@daplusk: Whenever someone hugs me, I close my eyes and pretend they're a donut

@daplusk: Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say 'are you'