This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.