If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
This fish is cracking me up
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza