My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day