A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you