Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
selena gomez
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Ape together strong
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.