Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I just love that new Pope smell.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.