bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
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A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger