When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does