Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of davedittell's best tweets

@davedittell : *takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune

@davedittell: "anything new with you?"
not really
"any cool projects at work?
nope
"meeting with friends?"
no
"seeing anybody?"
why are you doing this?

@davedittell: we need a cold and annoying genius type, who should we cast?
[Benedict Cumberbatch claws at the office window]
hmmm who to cast?
[he meows]

@davedittell: ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner!
TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!

@davedittell: LAMP FOR SALE: gold, antique, good patina, evil genie, functions like new, you will be killed, shiny, polished, be careful what you wish for

@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing

@davedittell: LIFE HACK: when at a restaurant with a long wait, resort to cannibalism

@davedittell: *jumps into volcano as sacrifice*
*volcano spits me back out*

@davedittell: WIFE: Dave's here
HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves?
ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!

@davedittell: UNICORN: I love the forest! I love my horn! Life is wonderf—
[Pegasus flies over chased by babes]
UNICORN: God why have you forsaken me