Funny Tweeter

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Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : Wife: whats that? Son: I painted a picture of a cat Wife: it's very good Me: if it was very good you wouldn't have needed to ask what it was

@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

@david8hughes: Me: you're mad at me about what happened earlier aren't you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@david8hughes: Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It's like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

@david8hughes: Therapist: today we're going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

@david8hughes: [my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that's why he's the best

@david8hughes: [mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

@david8hughes: [Joseph & Mary answers door to god]
"Mary, you're looking well."
[Joseph puts arm around Mary & raises an eyebrow]
"Jesus, your dad's here."

@david8hughes: [to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

@david8hughes: [stares at baby for almost an hour after I've finished feeding him]
Wife: he can't talk, he's not going to thank you