@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
@david8hughes: Me: you're mad at me about what happened earlier aren't you?
Arresting officer: little bit
@david8hughes: Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It's like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
@david8hughes: Therapist: today we're going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
@david8hughes: [my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that's why he's the best
@david8hughes: [mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
@david8hughes: [Joseph & Mary answers door to god]
"Mary, you're looking well."
[Joseph puts arm around Mary & raises an eyebrow]
"Jesus, your dad's here."
@david8hughes: [stares at baby for almost an hour after I've finished feeding him]
Wife: he can't talk, he's not going to thank you