Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : [playing frisbee with my dog] Me [out of breath]: boy, you're a lot heavier than I thought

@david8hughes: If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@david8hughes: Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: ...
Brain: ...
Me: ...
Brain: ...
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

@david8hughes: [showing baby to friends]
"Aw, he looks like his dad!"
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there's nothing they can do

@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That's better, now flare his nostrils like he's excited about a sale.

@david8hughes: [first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

@david8hughes: [at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what's his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that's probably why he ran off

@david8hughes: Me: how is she?
Dr: well we've managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: ...
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

@david8hughes: [at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

@david8hughes: Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my 'Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist' mug: which school do they go to?