Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : [slides $5 to paramedic] Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don't make it

@david8hughes: I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

@david8hughes: Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

@david8hughes: [date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I'll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

@david8hughes: Drugs: expensive
Standing up in the bath real quick: free

@david8hughes: Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

@david8hughes: Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

@david8hughes: I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

@david8hughes: [punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it's always wet & salty on my face, I'm fine