Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : Me: can I check my account balance? Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

@david8hughes: [at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what's that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

@david8hughes: [driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: ...
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

@david8hughes: Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

@david8hughes: [sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

@david8hughes: Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

@david8hughes: [planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: ...
Robber 1: it's just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

@david8hughes: [inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot