Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : Wife: don't forget to pick the kids up from school Me: it's Saturday, they're both upstairs Wife: it's Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@david8hughes: [drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

@david8hughes: Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

@david8hughes: [wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

@david8hughes: [first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

@david8hughes: Me: I'm not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

@david8hughes: [son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what's that
Son: it's our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?

@david8hughes: Kicked out of laser-tag for too many melee attacks.

@david8hughes: [first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

@david8hughes: [first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy