Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : [inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

@david8hughes: [job interview]
"You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means."
"Ironic isn't it? Is it? I don't know."

@david8hughes: Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

@david8hughes: Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

@david8hughes: Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O'CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that's over an hour from now

@david8hughes: [waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I've never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

@david8hughes: [pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
"What do you mean I already do too much for charity?"

@david8hughes: [moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don't we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

@david8hughes: My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

@david8hughes: [wife calls]
"What time will you be home?"
"About 6."
"Good, my parents are here &-"
"Actually there's been a fire at work & we all died."