@david8hughes: [letting my friend hold my newborn baby]
Me: careful, don't let it die
Friend: dude I have 3 kids of my own
Me: sure, 3 we know of
@david8hughes: [egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
@david8hughes: [fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
@david8hughes: [first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Me: release half of one hostage
@david8hughes: [at the gun store]
Me: I'll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that'll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
"It's amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing."
@david8hughes: [sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing's for bears
@david8hughes: Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you've got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I've no idea what they eat
@david8hughes: Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn't
Judge: he has a point