@david8hughes: Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my 'Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist' mug: which school do they go to?
@david8hughes: So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
@david8hughes: Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
@david8hughes: [first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
@david8hughes: Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
@david8hughes: If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
@david8hughes: Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
@david8hughes: Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
@david8hughes: [planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don't think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out