Funny Tweeter

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Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : [feeding baby] Wife: here comes the airplane Me whispering in baby's ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don't end here

@david8hughes: [baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

@david8hughes: [donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I'm gonna need that back

@david8hughes: Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@david8hughes: [at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that's why we're here

@david8hughes: Wife: don't forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it's Saturday, they're both upstairs
Wife: it's Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@david8hughes: [drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

@david8hughes: Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

@david8hughes: [wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

@david8hughes: [first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really