@david8hughes: [wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
@david8hughes: [first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
@david8hughes: [son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what's that
Son: it's our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?
@david8hughes: [first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
@david8hughes: [first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I'll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?