Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of david8hughes's best tweets

@david8hughes : [interrogation] Cop: what were you doing last nite? Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert Cop: louder for the tape please Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

@david8hughes: [reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

@david8hughes: [teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

@david8hughes: Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

@david8hughes: Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

@david8hughes: [knocks on widow's door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won't be needing anymore

@david8hughes: [first day as a lion tamer]
Me: ok you need to settle down

@david8hughes: Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

@david8hughes: [runs to the door to greet wife]
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

@david8hughes: [aliens land]
Me: ...
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent