@david8hughes: [first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
@david8hughes: [at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what's his name?
Security: yeah see that's probably why he ran off
@david8hughes: Me: how is she?
Dr: well we've managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
@david8hughes: [at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
@david8hughes: Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my 'Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist' mug: which school do they go to?
@david8hughes: So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
@david8hughes: Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
@david8hughes: [first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
@david8hughes: Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”