@davidkenny100: When I was growing up, my mum was always saying "you can do it!"
Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example
@davidkenny100: I grew up just a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
@davidkenny100: The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
@davidkenny100: What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook.
@davidkenny100: I live on the edge
Her: So sexy
I almost fell once
Her: Oh! You actually live..
My home insurance is so expensive
@davidkenny100: American: I was just at a shotgun wedding
Me: How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant
@davidkenny100: Gwen Stefani:
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means...
Cut to kid opening lunch box
@davidkenny100: Pal: on your date, don't let her think you get jealous
Date: the steak please
Me: So you know, I'm cool with you talking to that guy
@davidkenny100: It's impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye.
So this is your uncle, you live with him now.