Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…