Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of davidkenny100's best tweets

@davidkenny100 : Actually, no I don't spend my day arguing and working on format tweets! Narrator: he does though Shut up Narrator: you shut up!

@davidkenny100: Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs


Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?

@davidkenny100: Morgan Freeman: I'm not losing my mind, I'm not losing my mind.

[Morgan Freeman voice]
He was though. He was losing his mind big time

@davidkenny100: When I was growing up, my mum was always saying "you can do it!"

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example

@davidkenny100: I grew up just a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

@davidkenny100: The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
My pasta
My. Pasta

@davidkenny100: What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook.


@davidkenny100: I live on the edge

Her: cool

It's scary

Her: So sexy

I almost fell once

Her: Oh! You actually live..

My home insurance is so expensive

@davidkenny100: American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant

@davidkenny100: Gwen Stefani:
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means...

Cut to kid opening lunch box