@davidkenny100: Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs
Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?
@davidkenny100: Morgan Freeman: I'm not losing my mind, I'm not losing my mind.
[Morgan Freeman voice]
He was though. He was losing his mind big time
@davidkenny100: When I was growing up, my mum was always saying "you can do it!"
Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example
@davidkenny100: I grew up just a stone's throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
@davidkenny100: The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
@davidkenny100: What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook.
@davidkenny100: I live on the edge
Her: So sexy
I almost fell once
Her: Oh! You actually live..
My home insurance is so expensive
@davidkenny100: American: I was just at a shotgun wedding
Me: How far pregnant was the bride?
American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant
@davidkenny100: Gwen Stefani:
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means...
Cut to kid opening lunch box