My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My last name is Zilla.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.