I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*