Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : On the box it said "do not put your tongue on battery." I would never put my tongue on a battery. Although. I kinda want to now.

@ddsmidt: A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher's walking towards you with "the look" on her face.

@ddsmidt: I'm at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@ddsmidt: Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It's okay, I've had it coming for some time now.

@ddsmidt: X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup...

@ddsmidt: *Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

@ddsmidt: Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says "oh, you want to see crazy?" Reassure her that you do not.

@ddsmidt: Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

@ddsmidt: I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I'd be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

@ddsmidt: The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.