Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a fine one to talk.

@ddsmidt: Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

@ddsmidt: I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

@ddsmidt: Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

@ddsmidt: I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

@ddsmidt: I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

@ddsmidt: Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

@ddsmidt: From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

@ddsmidt: My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

@ddsmidt: The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.