Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

@ddsmidt: When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

@ddsmidt: Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

@ddsmidt: Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

@ddsmidt: ”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

@ddsmidt: I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

@ddsmidt: Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

@ddsmidt: Him: I'd prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way.

@ddsmidt: Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a fine one to talk.

@ddsmidt: Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep