Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar. While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

@ddsmidt: People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@ddsmidt: I don't tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it's the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

@ddsmidt: When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

@ddsmidt: You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@ddsmidt: If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

@ddsmidt: Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

@ddsmidt: The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

@ddsmidt: Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

@ddsmidt: ...sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good...

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.