Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.” That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

@ddsmidt: My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

@ddsmidt: The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

@ddsmidt: Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn't one of those things.

@ddsmidt: A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

@ddsmidt: In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

@ddsmidt: People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@ddsmidt: I don't tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it's the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

@ddsmidt: When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

@ddsmidt: You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.