Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please? *entire restaurant gasps*

@ddsmidt: I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

@ddsmidt: I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

@ddsmidt: Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

@ddsmidt: From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

@ddsmidt: My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

@ddsmidt: The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

@ddsmidt: Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn't one of those things.

@ddsmidt: A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

@ddsmidt: In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.