Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : If you love someone, tell them. If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it's probably not reciprocated.

@ddsmidt: Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I'm gonna go see if he's home.

@ddsmidt: In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

@ddsmidt: Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

@ddsmidt: I told the hubs someone must've broke in and stole his phone charger.

He'll believe that before he'll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

@ddsmidt: Me: If you're going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn't act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

@ddsmidt: As I was driving, some stranger yelled "what's your problem lady?"

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can't stop eating chips.

@ddsmidt: Whenever my husband "puts something away" I'm always suspect. I mean, it's not as if he really knows where anything goes.

@ddsmidt: I'm not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

@ddsmidt: Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.

Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.