Funny Tweeter

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Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : Whenever my husband "puts something away" I'm always suspect. I mean, it's not as if he really knows where anything goes.

@ddsmidt: I'm not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

@ddsmidt: Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.

Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.

@ddsmidt: On the box it said "do not put your tongue on battery." I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

@ddsmidt: A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher's walking towards you with "the look" on her face.

@ddsmidt: I'm at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@ddsmidt: Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It's okay, I've had it coming for some time now.

@ddsmidt: X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup...

@ddsmidt: *Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

@ddsmidt: Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says "oh, you want to see crazy?" Reassure her that you do not.