Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ddsmidt's best tweets

@ddsmidt : I wish people would stop asking me if I'm on Twitter, clearly I'm not.

@ddsmidt: I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

...As if I plan on eating it.

@ddsmidt: Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

@ddsmidt: Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo...

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

@ddsmidt: The lady next to me on this plane thinks I'm in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

@ddsmidt: Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

@ddsmidt: When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

@ddsmidt: Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

@ddsmidt: Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

@ddsmidt: ”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.