@ddsmidt: People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
@ddsmidt: I don't tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it's the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
@ddsmidt: When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
@ddsmidt: You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
@ddsmidt: Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
@ddsmidt: The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
@ddsmidt: Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
@ddsmidt: ...sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good...
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.