Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on