Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
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I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.