The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
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I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”