I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
You Might Also Like
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk