this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.