World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
That’s what I call a flat tire
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support