Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
the answer was staring at me all along
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Please do it!
just pretend nothing happened
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it