Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Money is the root of all wealth
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one