The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.