Funny Tweeter

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Page of delusions_of's best tweets

@delusions_of : [points at bank account] "This is why we can't have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food."

@delusions_of: Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

@delusions_of: My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@delusions_of: I win about 60-65% of the arguments I have with myself.

@delusions_of: Me: "I'd like 3 ice cubes"

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: "Here have 19"

@delusions_of: Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

@delusions_of: My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.

@delusions_of: I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.

@delusions_of: While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more "Transformer" movies.

@delusions_of: This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.