Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of delusions_of's best tweets

@delusions_of : Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell "KARATE!".

@delusions_of: My phone always asks if I "Trust This Computer" like it knows something I don't.

@delusions_of: If this van's a rocking it's only cuz I practice karate in my van.

@delusions_of: I wish when someone called me my phone had an "Accept", "Decline" and "Send Electric Shock" option.

@delusions_of: Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.

@delusions_of: The guy at the urinal next to me doesn't appreciate my theories on "Game of Thrones".

@delusions_of: Does the "Dirty Dancing" lift to the pizza delivery guy.

@delusions_of: I try to pick my battles wisely but earlier I slapped a microwave while screaming at it.

@delusions_of: If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn't work play "Tiny Dancer". Bears love that song.

@delusions_of: Another day, another police escort from Bed, Bath & Beyond.