Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of delusions_of's best tweets

@delusions_of : Was gonna be a professional quarterback but I didn't wanna injure my chip dipping arm.

@delusions_of: My phone always asks if I "trust this computer" like it knows something I don't.

@delusions_of: Dance like nobody's holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.

@delusions_of: Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.

@delusions_of: That's "MISTER your credit card is declined" thank you very much.

@delusions_of: "Kill Bill" but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.

@delusions_of: When being attacked yell "FREE CUPCAKES" so people come help you.

@delusions_of: Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.

@delusions_of: Before toasters people had to frantically rub two pieces of bread together.

@delusions_of: THIRD RULE OF FIGHT CLUB: Only one juice box per person.