Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of delusions_of's best tweets

@delusions_of : "Hey you, Brutus? Please don't let them name a salad after me." - Julius Caesar's actual last words

@delusions_of: If you think I'm sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.

@delusions_of: Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won't accept your coupon.

@delusions_of: [flips table over]


@delusions_of: [points at bank account]

"This is why we can't have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food."

@delusions_of: Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

@delusions_of: My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@delusions_of: I win about 60-65% of the arguments I have with myself.

@delusions_of: Me: "I'd like 3 ice cubes"

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: "Here have 19"

@delusions_of: Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.