“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*