My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
You Might Also Like
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter