ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭