Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dhumann's best tweets

@dhumann : If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

@dhumann: [speed dating]

Me: "Facebook or Twitter?"

Her: "Face..."

Me: "Have a nice life."

@dhumann: Like that scene in 'The Revenant' where Leo is mauled by the bear but it's just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

@dhumann: You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you've sighed six or seven times.

@dhumann: Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@dhumann: Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for."

Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"

@dhumann: Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

@dhumann: Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds."

Me: "So how does that make you feel?"