@dhumann: [speed dating]
Me: "Facebook or Twitter?"
Me: "Have a nice life."
@dhumann: Like that scene in 'The Revenant' where Leo is mauled by the bear but it's just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
@dhumann: You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you've sighed six or seven times.
@dhumann: Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
@dhumann: Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for."
Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"
@dhumann: Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
@dhumann: Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds."
Me: "So how does that make you feel?"