I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Breaking news:
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.