Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dire_beard's best tweets

@dire_beard : *points at your toddler So does it know any tricks yet?

@dire_beard: Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

@dire_beard: I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.

@dire_beard: [At a child's birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

@dire_beard: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin'?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You're always so worried, but I'm fine, silly

@dire_beard: If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.