If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
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The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Meow
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
and now we wait
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.