me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch