Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My wife gives the best headache.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature