“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
There are no pants in heaven.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I just ran a .003048K
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Monday
Meowchelangelo
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
May never get over this
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]