Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Friends that check up on you >
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
getting old is fun
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time