Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
let’s discuss
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.