Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of djdarrellripley's best tweets

@djdarrellripley : Me: I forbid you to go! Her: What was that? Me: You heard me! I said, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd reconsider!"

@djdarrellripley: Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I'm leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

@djdarrellripley: Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

@djdarrellripley: Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody's getting sued...

@djdarrellripley: Her: We can't drive the car, it's stuck in the mud... Doesn't it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

@djdarrellripley: Her: Remind me if I'm ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

@djdarrellripley: I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn't even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died...

@djdarrellripley: I'm the kindest, sweetest person you'll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I'd probably throw in my laundry.

@djdarrellripley: Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog....