Funny Tweeter

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Page of djdarrellripley's best tweets

@djdarrellripley : Him: Sarah is dead. Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me...

@djdarrellripley: Me: I need sex, and I need it now...

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

@djdarrellripley: Hey, thanks for having me over... But, It smells like something died in here and I'm pretty sure it was the housekeeper...

@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You've got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you're dying.

@djdarrellripley: Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I'd never get a parking place.

@djdarrellripley: Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

@djdarrellripley: Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I'm getting audited today.

@djdarrellripley: Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn't on FaceBook.

Me:

@djdarrellripley: Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I'm on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

@djdarrellripley: Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I'm from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!