@djdarrellripley: Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
@djdarrellripley: Her: I'm leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I'll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change...
@djdarrellripley: Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me...
@djdarrellripley: Me: I need sex, and I need it now...
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
@djdarrellripley: Hey, thanks for having me over... But, It smells like something died in here and I'm pretty sure it was the housekeeper...
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You've got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you're dying.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I'd never get a parking place.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Him: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
@djdarrellripley: Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I'm getting audited today.