@djdarrellripley: Me: I need sex, and I need it now...
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
@djdarrellripley: Hey, thanks for having me over... But, It smells like something died in here and I'm pretty sure it was the housekeeper...
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You've got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you're dying.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I'd never get a parking place.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Him: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
@djdarrellripley: Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I'm getting audited today.
@djdarrellripley: Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn't on FaceBook.
@djdarrellripley: Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I'm on the pill.
@djdarrellripley: Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I'm from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!