Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of djdarrellripley's best tweets

@djdarrellripley : Him: Who's The Man?!? Me: Usually, not the guy who says 'Who's the man'....

@djdarrellripley: Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal... The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It's not what you think, they're just friends.

@djdarrellripley: Her: What if this is our last day alive?

Me: Then I should probably take some stuff off my computer...

@djdarrellripley: Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He's not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

@djdarrellripley: Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing....

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

@djdarrellripley: It turns out condoms aren't 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet...

@djdarrellripley: Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it... Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody's nerves.

@djdarrellripley: The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they're using mine. So, you know what that means...

More hair in my drain.

@djdarrellripley: Me: Come to my party. I'm making my "secret special punch."

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?