Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of