Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.