Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel