@dksc4life: Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
@dksc4life: her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
@dksc4life: I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. "The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce." Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I'm in the wrong house.
@dksc4life: MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
@dksc4life: Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
@DKSC4LIFE: LIFE HACK: If you’re a spy, marry a vegan. They won’t be upset when they find out you’re a plant.