The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom