*puts cutlery down*
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today