ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.