*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats