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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good