The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
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not seeing the problem
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
According to math, I’m broke
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.