@doktorj: *lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
@doktorj: Teach a man to fish and you'll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
@doktorj: "Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan," says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
@doktorj: Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: "I know what the slogan says ma'am, we aren't THAT kind of family."
@doktorj: Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn't working, try having my mother brush their hair.
@doktorj: *brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
@doktorj: As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.
@doktorj: Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
@doktorj: Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip