When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.